Please note. The following article is entirely satirical and fictitious and was penned in response to this article about the newest release from Dogfish Head.
Further note: We have a great deal of respect and admiration for Dogfish Head and what it’s founder Sam Caligione has accomplished. They have been vanguards in the craft beer industry, and have opened many of the doors that have paved the way for the microbrewery boom of today. For that, we have the deepest appreciation to the brewery and its founder. We are just not fans of needlessly esoteric beer. Beer shouldn’t require a culinary degree or access to the internet to understand. It should just be good. While Regular Guy Brewing by no means adheres to the strict rules of reinheitsgebot, we prefer to stick to ingredients and inspirations that Regular Guys…and regular craft beer drinkers…can relate to and enjoy. After all…you earned it.
Seth Treptow is a man of routine. Each morning, the co-founder of Illinois’ Regular Guy Brewing takes twenty minutes or so to walk his dog around the neighborhood to provide the schnauzer with an opportunity to defecate and urinate. The solitude allows Treptow to clear his head, and the dog a chance to clear its bowels, before delving into a busy work schedule.
“It’s my most productive twenty minutes of the day in terms of thinking creatively about stupid new ways to seem cool and esoteric and blow people away with my ingenuity,” says Treptow.
“It was a morning like this when I came up with my latest and most awesome idea for a beer to date,” Treptow explained. “I wanted to be able to capture the experience of walking my dog in a bottle. I wanted someone to be able to taste the poop and piss and connect with that moment.”
“But I wanted it to be a full sensory experience. You shouldn’t just taste the shit, you should feel the shit and hear the shit. That’s why we have collaborated with a team of musical artists, that you have probably never heard unless you are as cool as we are, to create a soundtrack for our beer.”
To accomplish that goal, Regular Guy Brewing brought in the finest musical talents it could find within a three-block radius of Treptow’s house. The quartet consists of Bjorn Ragnarson on hurdy gurdy, Beth “Fancy Pants” Johanson on theremin, Duke Spankerton on the banjolele, and an artist that only goes by the moniker “Da Jambot” on the drum machine. Jiim Bob Goldfarb joins the group on select tracks, adding the dulcid tones of his didgeridoo to the mix.
Much of the beer brewed by Regular Guy Brewing has been influenced by music. This latest brew just follows the trend.
“Two of our biggest influences are classic country-western and dub-step. In fact, our two biggest inspirations are probably Lefty Frizzel and Skrillex. This music though…is nothing like either of those things. It’s a very avant garde musical mix,” explained Treptow. “Just like this new beer, it is incredibly unpleasant and almost unbearable. But that’s okay…because we’ve tricked people into thinking we are cool, and everything we do is awesome, so they will buy it anyways.”
Each bottle of the beer will be released with a three CD set of the music recorded as part of the Regular Guy Brewing jam session.
“I know, it’s a lot of music. But we figured that people would really want to savor this beer. To take their dear sweet time, and really stretch the sips out over a two to three hour session.”
While the final product yields the perfect full-sensory experience, the founders of Regular Guy Brewing did have their momentary doubts.
“We were admittedly a bit sheepish at first when we were contemplating this idea,” Treptow said. “What if our sips didn’t match the mad beats being dropped by Da Jambot? We really worried about this stuff, because we understood that our customers would. Seriously, who wants to drink their beer off sync with the rhythm of the music? Uncultured ass-hats who couldn’t tell a great craft beer from a hole in the ground. That’s who.”
But the Regular Guys were able to shelve their incredibly vapid concerns and sally forth. As for the music, it was inspired in part by the sounds that the artists were able to witness while visiting Regular Guy Brewing on a brew-night.
“The roar of Justin’s belching. The subtle rumble of my flatulence. The gentle hiss of Brian taking a whizz. They all come through on the album.”
The beer was brewed as a blonde ale, but pours dark brown when dumped into a solo cup. There are pungent undertones of fecal matter in the aroma, chased by a faint hint of dirt and grass. Treptow says that the aromas and color comes from the collection methods needed to capture the beer’s special ingredient.
“Poop. Actual dog poop went in the beer. Yep. The three of us spent weeks following dogs around picking up their poop. Really freaked the owners out. Brian actually had to punch a guy. But when you drink it, you can really taste it. Just a faint hint of poodle mixed with a smidge of golden retriever.”
The beer, called Needlessly Esoteric Crap Ale will hit stores this fall, though it will be a very small production run.
“We are only making 12 bottles of it. We know it’s not good enough to make a lot of, and only the most die-hard craft beer as a fashion posers would even contemplate drinking it…let alone calling it actually good. We are just going to make a very tiny amount of it, so that those people who get hot and bothered by liking something before it becomes cool will get super excited and clamor for it. We expect actual fistfights in the beer aisles over who will get the right to spend $10 for a single bottle. Suckers.”